Why Elvis?

The question may arise in some of you, "Why I should use my democratic citizen's responsibility to vote for Elvis?"

The answer is really quite simple! That is because electing him is the only bloodless way to put him in power. Oh yes, of course I hear you saying, "but what's wrong with a little blood? A little stain remover and the place will be as good as new, and Elvis will be in charge!" Well we won't rule out the option, of course, but for now we'll regard that as 'Plan B' and try to use the electoral system.

Presenting.... The Gold Book (just what colour did you think it would be?!)

Promises, Platforms, and Planks
or "What Elvis Will Do When He Rules The Land"

  1. Canada will shift to an 8 day week system. This will be to facilitate the addition of a new weekend day called 'Elvisday'. Elvisday will be legislated to always be sunny and warm throughout all of Canada, during all seasons. This will have the effect of attracting tourism to the far north, and confusing the heck out of people in other countries.
  2. The Elvis judicial system will make committing any crime an illegal activity. Criminals, (who are not government affiliated, or friends of the ruler) will be told sternly, "Stop it right now! You don't want me to have to pull over, do you?"
  3. The ongoing constitutional problems will be instantly solved by burning the stupid thing and imposing a happy dictatorship in its place. It would be so happy in fact that not even the completely insane would wish to separate.
  4. To help equalize the economic disparity, fingernail and toenail clippings will become legal tender. (clean ones only, or it would be gross) If you are behind on your rent, need to make your budget stretch just a bit farther for groceries, or just want a little pocket money to spend on Elvisday, all you'll need to do is clip off a bit of one of your nails and exchange it at any bank for $100. What they decide to so with the clippings is their business but don't be too surprised to find that they've cloned you to make a slave that will earn the $100 back.
  5. The national anthem will remain largely as it is, except for the addition of the words "thank you very much" to the end of it.
  6. The military will take on a dual role. After its current personnel are replaced by hockey players the Canadian military will be used on international peace keeping missions to skate into a war ravaged land, steal the puck away (rough up the bad guys a bit in the corners) score a goal or two and come home to cheering crowds. Their other role will be to endorse Canadian made products on television. The displaced military staff will not be forgotten, somebody is sure to remember them.
  7. The education system will be given higher emphasis, with some simple basic changes. The subjects of mathematics, science, physical education, languages and the arts will be phased out and replaced by intensive study of sneering, gyrating, pointing and alternative nutrition. To facilitate adequate degrees of knowledge in these areas, 7 new grades will be required before high school graduation is granted. (making the typical graduation age 24 years)
  8. It will be a fineable offence of $1.00 to not smile (or at least sneer) and say "hello" (or its French equivalent) in a friendly and sincere way to everyone a given citizen may encounter. The fine will be $1000 for this offence on Elvisdays. Although it is acknowledged that this program may have some growing pains at the outset, the net long them benefit will be a much friendlier country, with significantly less frantic urban centres.
  9. The national debt cannot be wished magically away. It can however be ignored. If I were you, I wouldn't lend money to Canada just as Elvis is about to take power. With a net debt and deficit of absolutely nothing, taxes will much lower, and there would still be lots of money in the public coffers for anything Elvis may want to buy.
  10. While still on the topic of finance, the post election Canadian dollar will be pegged at exactly 1 cent ABOVE the U.S. dollar. If their currency moves, then the Canadian dollar (with Elvis's face on it) will be kept just that one little bit higher. The only intended benefit of this policy will be to stop them from making their dumb smug jokes about our "monopoly" money when they come to visit.

The Elvis97 campaign is open to other ideas for an improved nation of the future. Please feel free to drop us a note and set free those brilliant ideas that may be shackled in your head.

Click here to contact the Elvis97 campaign.
Authorized by D. McGregor, Offical Agent for Elvis Flostrand.